Life crisis

In informing you about my weekend I forgot to say that I went through a LIFE CRISIS and brief mental breakdown when Helen discovered, not one, but two grey hairs in my shaggy mane of tousled brown hair. One of these, Helen reliably informs me, was a freak albino hair, and can therefore be discounted as a sign of age and impending incontinence and general infirmity. The other, however, appeared to be a brown and white hair (skewbald to those of you familiar with equine colour coding) and this seemed sinister and instantly struck a chord of fear in my quaking heart. It is downhill all the way now. Next stop beige slacks. WIWD but in a glamorous fashion and not due to OLD age.

Stress day

It’s press day, it’s stress day. Could be a new song in there somewhere. My new ukulele has arrived from Hawaii. It is a larger uke than my others with a deeper tone and it is handpainted with palm trees and a mini ukulele player in the foreground. I have already written a song on it and have ideas for several others including one about November 9, the forgotten 9/11.

In other news, Helen has made contact with the chair of our residents association and has volunteered my services to help with the newsletter. I am quite excited about this. I hope the residents of Rosslyn Crescent, Frognal Avenue and The Woodlands have a sense of humour.

I spent the weekend ripping out our front garden. Where there was once some straggly grass and a few ailing plants, there is now a bare wasteland. I fought the giant winter jasmine and won. It tried to kill me, but who’s laughing now?

Chock-a girl checking out

I have sent out a press release about our new webiste and am gratified to see that literally ones of people have been logging in to check it out.

This is just the start of the Helenandjo internet revolution. Soon, I hope to transfer my whole life onto the internet and live there, as it would probably be more comfortable than our new flat.

I hope everyone has a tolerable weekend.

Cheese update!

I take it all back. My vintage cheddar is 15-month matured cheddar from the Caenarfon Creamery in South Wales and is a deliciously tangy match for the Wiltshire ham and onion chutney (traditionally stirred in an open kettle), and bread made with eight types of grain and seed. What a lot of effort for a simple ham and cheese sandwich. I feel honoured.


I was not talking to Helen this morning but then I got bored and we are friends again. A fitting start to World Suicide Day. On this special day I would like to make an observation about choices. I might have woken up this morning and thought ‘Shall I kill myself?’. I could have decided ‘No, I will go to work’ (which is quite similar to being dead anyway). Or, I might have thought ‘Yes’. Then I would have had to choose which way I wanted to die…too much hassle, might as well go to work and slowly sink into a moribund state. I have come to realise that I never make any big decisions because I am too busy making small decisions like which toilet to use. I have a choice of two here at Haymarket Publications. But this is not a simple choice. Toilet A does not flush that well. Toilet B has a wobbly seat, which makes me feel nervous. These small decisions fill up my brain until it is so full that I have no brain cells left to process big life choices or listen to Helen with.

Happy World Suicide Day!

I’m free!

Dear weblog,
You are my only friend.
Matt will be cross because I haven’t been categorising my entries properly. I have remembered to normalise this one.

In other news, it’s home time.

Cups of tea drunk today: 3
Cups of coffee: 1
Other liquids: 0
Smarties: 9
Egg sandwiches: 1


I have got RSI and a slight tummy ache so I’m going out to get some lunch. Where shall I go? Probably Pret a Manger because no one does egg sandwiches like they do.

First, however, I shall have a cup of tea. It’s all go!

Good news about interest rates. Since we bought a flat my interest in interest rates has increased by 100 per cent. I like to call this the Interest Interest Rate (IIR).

More celebrity spotting

Yes, I admit that Helen made me a cup of tea and that was good but that was cancelled out by the fact we had no bread for my morning toast.

Richard and I saw Gail, the wannabe transexual from Fat Farm, in Borders yesterday. She was wearing leather trousers.

My adventures

I went to a conference at the Mayfair Conference Centre yesterday. Unfortunately the conference was actually at the Royal College of Surgeons. I made it just on time after a Challenge Anneka-style dash across London. Yesterday was a day of confusion as I kept getting mixed up in other conferences also at the Royal College of Surgeons. At one point I was at a dentistry conference and I nearly had lunch with the radiology conference delegates and on my way back from the toilet I ended up at the annual conference for the London deanery, whoever they are.

Good things that have happened today: 0

Bad things: 2


I have sent you all an email about the holiday. For those readers who are not going on holiday with us then I hope you enjoyed looking at where we might be staying when we go on holiday to France in October. Now I will continue to tell you about my thrilling life. This morning I went to a very posh house in Kensington to interview the new director of the National Playing Fields Association. I have realised that there is no need for Helen and I to do up our new flat. This woman was one of the richest people I have met but her furniture was covered in dirt and dog hair. Throughout the interview her black labrador kept hoovering away at its lady bits – chomp, chomp, chomp, squish, slurp. I had to exert extreme self control to avoid laughing. The dog reminded me very much of my family’s dead dog Jessie, whom I once tried to kill.