I take it all back. My vintage cheddar is 15-month matured cheddar from the Caenarfon Creamery in South Wales and is a deliciously tangy match for the Wiltshire ham and onion chutney (traditionally stirred in an open kettle), and bread made with eight types of grain and seed. What a lot of effort for a simple ham and cheese sandwich. I feel honoured.
I was not talking to Helen this morning but then I got bored and we are friends again. A fitting start to World Suicide Day. On this special day I would like to make an observation about choices. I might have woken up this morning and thought ‘Shall I kill myself?’. I could have decided ‘No, I will go to work’ (which is quite similar to being dead anyway). Or, I might have thought ‘Yes’. Then I would have had to choose which way I wanted to die…too much hassle, might as well go to work and slowly sink into a moribund state. I have come to realise that I never make any big decisions because I am too busy making small decisions like which toilet to use. I have a choice of two here at Haymarket Publications. But this is not a simple choice. Toilet A does not flush that well. Toilet B has a wobbly seat, which makes me feel nervous. These small decisions fill up my brain until it is so full that I have no brain cells left to process big life choices or listen to Helen with.
Happy World Suicide Day!
You are my only friend.
Matt will be cross because I haven’t been categorising my entries properly. I have remembered to normalise this one.
In other news, it’s home time.
Cups of tea drunk today: 3
Cups of coffee: 1
Other liquids: 0
Egg sandwiches: 1
I have got RSI and a slight tummy ache so I’m going out to get some lunch. Where shall I go? Probably Pret a Manger because no one does egg sandwiches like they do.
First, however, I shall have a cup of tea. It’s all go!
Good news about interest rates. Since we bought a flat my interest in interest rates has increased by 100 per cent. I like to call this the Interest Interest Rate (IIR).
Yes, I admit that Helen made me a cup of tea and that was good but that was cancelled out by the fact we had no bread for my morning toast.
Richard and I saw Gail, the wannabe transexual from Fat Farm, in Borders yesterday. She was wearing leather trousers.
I went to a conference at the Mayfair Conference Centre yesterday. Unfortunately the conference was actually at the Royal College of Surgeons. I made it just on time after a Challenge Anneka-style dash across London. Yesterday was a day of confusion as I kept getting mixed up in other conferences also at the Royal College of Surgeons. At one point I was at a dentistry conference and I nearly had lunch with the radiology conference delegates and on my way back from the toilet I ended up at the annual conference for the London deanery, whoever they are.
Good things that have happened today: 0
Bad things: 2
I have sent you all an email about the holiday. For those readers who are not going on holiday with us then I hope you enjoyed looking at where we might be staying when we go on holiday to France in October. Now I will continue to tell you about my thrilling life. This morning I went to a very posh house in Kensington to interview the new director of the National Playing Fields Association. I have realised that there is no need for Helen and I to do up our new flat. This woman was one of the richest people I have met but her furniture was covered in dirt and dog hair. Throughout the interview her black labrador kept hoovering away at its lady bits – chomp, chomp, chomp, squish, slurp. I had to exert extreme self control to avoid laughing. The dog reminded me very much of my family’s dead dog Jessie, whom I once tried to kill.
Seven minutes until home time. It has been a tolerable day. I have sent many personal emails and done little work. No one will ever read this except Matt, so I don’t know why I am telling myself all this.
Helen won’t like this but Dan and I have just bought some cookies, 13 cookies to be precise. I have shared them out amongst my colleagues but they are all on diets (LOSERS!) and between them have consumed about an eighth of a cookie. That means more for us. Other important things that I have done today include dowloading an application form to be a magistrate. I suppose I should do some work…
Speculation is mounting over a suspected rift between world famous B&B proprietors Helen and Jo because Helen has FAILED to contribute to their new website.
A source close to Jo said: “Jo feels very lonely and is worried that she looks sad because she has written about a million entries and Helen has done NONE.”
Helen was unavailable for comment.