Good morning. Today I am going on a course to learn how to libel people more effectively. Instead of saying ‘X is incompetent and lazy’, I will soon be able to write ‘X is incompetent, lazy, and FAT and would be more at home in the Chamber of Horrors at Madame Tussauds’.

Film fun

Walk to work. Discover your flies have been undone the whole time. A typical start to another typical day.

Comprehensive list of films with ukuleles in that I have seen:

1) Some Like It Hot – Marilyn Monroe cradles a ukulele when she fronts an all-girl band.

2) Fifty First Dates – watched this last night. Adam Sandler plays the ukulele and sings a song he has written to the woman he loves who has no short term memory.

More lunch

I can report that I did supplement my lasagne with a salad from M&S. I have also been eating nuts to keep my strength up. Helen hates nuts, of course. They are the Devil’s food to her. Therefore I can only indulge my passion for nuts when she is not around.

Where is the lid?

Good morning. High drama yesterday night. Helen and I returned home to find the lid of our recycling box missing, presumed dead/stolen. Imagine our grief. Harrow Council provide recycling boxes for free but you have to fork out 3 for a lid. We searched high and low and had all but given up hope of seeing said lid again when ‘ding dong’ on the doorbell. Door opens to reveal the chairman of the residents association with the missing lid in hand. It had blown off in the wind, apparently, and been causing MAYHEM by zooming up and down the street, surfing on strong gusts of wind and revelling in its new found freedom. We shed tears of joy as we crumpled up the posters we had made appealing for our beloved lid’s safe return. A happy ending.

Anyone, apart from Daniel and I, remember the classic Fry and Laurie sketch Where is the lid??

Just me

This is fast becoming Life Of Jo. People will think I have accidentally mowed Helen when I did the lawn. Come to think of it, it was quite dark and Helen didn’t come home last night. I will have to check the grass clippings for pieces of Helen.

Exciting things that happened today: 0

One girl went to mow

I mowed the lawn last night. Most satisfying. Mow, mow, mow.

Helen and I are debating what to do with our front garden. Helen says my design involving a flower bed, some gravel in the middle and a brick platform for our wheelie bin is “twee” and too cluttered with “too many textures”. I think Helen’s plan for a minimalist gravel expanse stuck here and there with lavender “like a lavender field” is dull and too modern for a Victorian terrace. What are we to do?

Life crisis

In informing you about my weekend I forgot to say that I went through a LIFE CRISIS and brief mental breakdown when Helen discovered, not one, but two grey hairs in my shaggy mane of tousled brown hair. One of these, Helen reliably informs me, was a freak albino hair, and can therefore be discounted as a sign of age and impending incontinence and general infirmity. The other, however, appeared to be a brown and white hair (skewbald to those of you familiar with equine colour coding) and this seemed sinister and instantly struck a chord of fear in my quaking heart. It is downhill all the way now. Next stop beige slacks. WIWD but in a glamorous fashion and not due to OLD age.

Jo’s lunch

Today for lunch Jo had vegetable lasagne. This included organic leeks, courgettes, onions and celery which came from our organic veg box that we get from “Abel and Cole”:

Hopefully this was a satisfactory lunch and Jo didn’t have to get a second and unauthorised lunch from Pret.

Stress day

It’s press day, it’s stress day. Could be a new song in there somewhere. My new ukulele has arrived from Hawaii. It is a larger uke than my others with a deeper tone and it is handpainted with palm trees and a mini ukulele player in the foreground. I have already written a song on it and have ideas for several others including one about November 9, the forgotten 9/11.

In other news, Helen has made contact with the chair of our residents association and has volunteered my services to help with the newsletter. I am quite excited about this. I hope the residents of Rosslyn Crescent, Frognal Avenue and The Woodlands have a sense of humour.

I spent the weekend ripping out our front garden. Where there was once some straggly grass and a few ailing plants, there is now a bare wasteland. I fought the giant winter jasmine and won. It tried to kill me, but who’s laughing now?