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Stress day

It’s press day, it’s stress day. Could be a new song in there somewhere. My new ukulele has arrived from Hawaii. It is a larger uke than my others with a deeper tone and it is handpainted with palm trees and a mini ukulele player in the foreground. I have already written a song on it and have ideas for several others including one about November 9, the forgotten 9/11.

In other news, Helen has made contact with the chair of our residents association and has volunteered my services to help with the newsletter. I am quite excited about this. I hope the residents of Rosslyn Crescent, Frognal Avenue and The Woodlands have a sense of humour.

I spent the weekend ripping out our front garden. Where there was once some straggly grass and a few ailing plants, there is now a bare wasteland. I fought the giant winter jasmine and won. It tried to kill me, but who’s laughing now?

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Chock-a girl checking out

I have sent out a press release about our new webiste and am gratified to see that literally ones of people have been logging in to check it out.

This is just the start of the Helenandjo internet revolution. Soon, I hope to transfer my whole life onto the internet and live there, as it would probably be more comfortable than our new flat.

I hope everyone has a tolerable weekend.

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DO NOT GO NEAR MY PENCIL COLLECTION

if you attempt to sell off my collection then I will stab you with the remaining ones, and you will probably get lead poisioning. even though there’s no actual lead in a pencil. Also, I will siphon off all the money that you make from sales through your internet bank account and use it to buy balloons which I will fill your whole room with.

Also, I think that English Heritage/ The National Trust/ The Tate/ Ofcom will have something to say about the break up of such a collection of national importance.

I have had 2 steak and mustard sausages for lunch with a baked potato and beans. I forgot to get any butter with the potato which is probably more healthy but less tasty. Now I am in need of a nap.

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Cheese update!

I take it all back. My vintage cheddar is 15-month matured cheddar from the Caenarfon Creamery in South Wales and is a deliciously tangy match for the Wiltshire ham and onion chutney (traditionally stirred in an open kettle), and bread made with eight types of grain and seed. What a lot of effort for a simple ham and cheese sandwich. I feel honoured.

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Bad day

I am having a very bad day.

Firstly Jo was not speaking to me this morning which was very bad.
Secondly, I’d forgotten to get any bread out of the freezer so no breakfast and no lunch.
Thirdly I’m not convinced that our eco-friendly washing powder actually cleans our clothes properly and we may have to go back to dangerous chemicals which kill badgers and trees but actually get things clean.
Fourthly, it was raining and I’d forgotten my umbrella so I waited for the BBC bus and it was VERY late and then it went the wrong way round so I was VERY late for work.
Fifthly, my elbow hurts very much which it sometimes does, think that I have RSI too.
Sixthly, I can’t remember sixthly as I was just checking my voicemail and had to ring some people up.
Seventhly the chocolate croissant I had for breakfast was horrible.

so that’s 7 bad things and 0 good things.

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Suicide

I was not talking to Helen this morning but then I got bored and we are friends again. A fitting start to World Suicide Day. On this special day I would like to make an observation about choices. I might have woken up this morning and thought ‘Shall I kill myself?’. I could have decided ‘No, I will go to work’ (which is quite similar to being dead anyway). Or, I might have thought ‘Yes’. Then I would have had to choose which way I wanted to die…too much hassle, might as well go to work and slowly sink into a moribund state. I have come to realise that I never make any big decisions because I am too busy making small decisions like which toilet to use. I have a choice of two here at Haymarket Publications. But this is not a simple choice. Toilet A does not flush that well. Toilet B has a wobbly seat, which makes me feel nervous. These small decisions fill up my brain until it is so full that I have no brain cells left to process big life choices or listen to Helen with.

Happy World Suicide Day!

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I’m free!

Dear weblog,
You are my only friend.
Matt will be cross because I haven’t been categorising my entries properly. I have remembered to normalise this one.

In other news, it’s home time.

Cups of tea drunk today: 3
Cups of coffee: 1
Other liquids: 0
Smarties: 9
Egg sandwiches: 1

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RSI

I have got RSI and a slight tummy ache so I’m going out to get some lunch. Where shall I go? Probably Pret a Manger because no one does egg sandwiches like they do.

First, however, I shall have a cup of tea. It’s all go!

Good news about interest rates. Since we bought a flat my interest in interest rates has increased by 100 per cent. I like to call this the Interest Interest Rate (IIR).

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Bank of England

no change in interest rates. this is good news for us since we made the very wise decision to get a tracker mortgage. glad we did that just before 3 rate increases.

so that’s 1 more good thing, or at least not 1 more bad thing.

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More celebrity spotting

Yes, I admit that Helen made me a cup of tea and that was good but that was cancelled out by the fact we had no bread for my morning toast.

Richard and I saw Gail, the wannabe transexual from Fat Farm, in Borders yesterday. She was wearing leather trousers.